Parenting Plan - After the Split

BreakUp or Divorce can be a challenging time for any family, especially where children are involved. An agreement, by way of a Parenting Plan can help bring clarity to co-parenting your children. Although many parents are happy to agree between themselves what goes into the plan, this isn't always the case and in these situations, a Mediation Service or Solicitor can help.

Whichever route you take, it's important to keep your children's wellbeing at the centre of the plan. Listen to, and take account of their views and let them know what's happening. Because they know what to expect, a well thought out Parenting Plan can help children feel more secure and less anxious about the changes in family dynamics

When putting your plan together, compromises between parents can be helpful but a plan should be mutually agreed and if you compromise over something you feel very strongly about, you Plan is unlikely to last. Equally, it's important to be fair to each parent so consider whether something is actually a deal breaker or not when agreeing the content.

Circumstances can and do change over time as well, so it's useful to be able to review your plan and make adjustments as required.

Living arrangement and time together

Both parents usually want to play a full role in their children's lives. Some parents are able to share live-in parenting time equally whilst for others, children live with one parent and spend time with the other on a regular basis, including overnight.

Think about what kind of contact your children will have with each parent when not in their care. Will there be phone or video calls at agreed times, texts, or chatting online for example. This can be particularly important if you live far apart or spend time working away. To avoid any disputes, it's best to decide what this arrangement will be in advance whilst appreciating that some flexibility will be necessary.

Things to consider:

• Where will your children live?

• How much time will they spend with each of you?

• Will any time together include overnight stays and, if so, how often will these happen?

• How will you spend your time together?

• Will there be any shared time spent together with your children?

• What rules do you need to agree on, e.g. about bedtimes, going out, internet access?

• How will you make sure that the things they need day-to-day ( e.g. gym kit, musical instruments, medicines) are in the right place at the right time?

• Where will the child's toys and other things be kept?

• If one of you needs to postpone time together with your child, how will this be explained to the child and who will do it?

• If your child needs to postpone or rearrange a time together, how will this be managed?

• How else will children keep up contact ( e.g. phone calls, texts or online)?

• If either of you have a new partner, how will you introduce them to your children?

• How will you deal with any reluctance, by your child or their other parent, to be involved with a new partner?

• How will you make childcare arrangements?

• Will the other parent be the first option when childcare is being arranged?

• Which other people do you agree can look after your children ( e.g. grandparents, babysitters, relatives, neighbours) and how will you review this in future?

• Who will talk to your children about the arrangements you're proposing and explain them?

Keeping in touch with relatives and friends

It can be a very unsettling time for children when their parents separate. You can minimise the effect it has on them by ensuring they stay in contact with people they're used to seeing. Equally, it's important to ask them if there's anyone you might not have thought of that they want to stay in touch with.

You might need to help your children keep up with these contacts, especially where separation involves a house move. Your children might not know how to get in touch with people outside the family they're used to seeing, or need help getting to and from play dates etc.

Things to consider:

• Which family members and friends do your children want to stay in touch with?

• As parents, how will you encourage your children to keep in touch?

• How will they be able to spend time together during and after your separation?

• Which of you will help your children arrange meet-ups etc. (it could be both)?

• For young children, you may need to gather contact details for their important people.

• Apart from meeting up, in what other ways do they want to keep in contact?

• How will you help them do this?

School

It's important for you and the other parent to continue to support your children's education although it's usually more straight forward for the parent who the children live with. You both might need to get a bit creative in continuing the involvement of the other parent so there is no negative impact on your children. Sometimes, your children may tell you things for example, if they're having difficulties at school. If you can agree to regularly share with the other parent, they will be able to continue to support your children.

If you let the school know you are separating or have recently separated, the more able they'll be to help your children cope with the changes that are going on. They'll also be able to keep an eye out for any problems such as if any of your children are falling behind at school.

Remember to let the school know if there are any changes to name or address details for both parents and children and that they have contact details for both parents, the details of your respective work places in an emergency, or the details of another relative or carer if you can't be contacted.

Remember to let the school know if there are going to be any changes about who will pick your children up from school, they might need a photograph of anyone they're not used to seeing.

Parent evenings and parent-teacher consultations are key times for you to find out how your children are getting on at school and for teachers to suggest ways you can help them. If you're not comfortable doing this together, contact the school to make arrangements to see your children's teachers separately.

For special school events you can sit apart if you prefer, but it can mean a lot to children to know someone is cheering them on at sports days or watching them in school shows or at prize-giving ceremonies. If you've lived together as a family, this can become even more important to them after you separate. In practice, both of you probably won't be able to attend everything. Try to work together to ensure one of you – or a valued relative such as a grandparent – can be there to support them. To avoid your children feeling let down or disappointed, make sure your children know ahead of time if you're not going to be there and explain why.

Things to Consider

• How will the school be informed about the changes in your family – will you meet with school guidance staff for example?

• How will you ensure that each of you gets school reports and other details of your children's progress?

• How will you ensure you both receive information about school events?

• How will you share information if you know the other parent isn't aware of something to do with your children's education?

• How will you handle parent evenings or consultations? How will you explain it to your children if one or both of you is absent?

• How will you agree who will attend special school events (for example if there are limited tickets)? Who will explain if one of you can't make it?

• How will you make decisions about which school children will go to?

• How will you help them make decisions about choices of subject and career options?

• If a child is ill or there's an emergency, who will the school contact?

• If a child is having problems at school, who will the school contact?

• How will you keep the school informed about who will be picking up your children?

• Who will school contact for consent for school trips and other activities?

• Trips abroad need the permission of both parents – how will you arrange for paperwork to be signed?

• How will trips and other activities be paid for?

• How will school uniforms and other school expenses be paid for?

Holidays and other special days

Finding out how your children would like to spend their holidays is a good starting point, even if you can't manage to arrange things exactly as they'd like. In addition, as well as spending holidays with yourself and the other parent, they may want to spend time with other relatives or friends.

Make sure you start discussions about holidays and other special days, early so that you and your children's other parent have enough time to arrange leave from work or other commitments. Bear in mind, you might need to re-visit your plans for school holidays on an annual basis, if not more frequently.

Parents who live together often talk through gift ideas for their children so they don't receive things they already have, don't need, won't want, or that someone else is getting for them – and so that children don't play parents off against one another! For the same reasons, it's a good idea if parents who live apart can do the same.

Things to consider

• Have you talked to your children about what they'd like to happen during school holidays?

• How much time would they like to spend with each of you during school holidays?

• Who else will look after them, such as grandparents or trusted friends, during longer school holidays?

• Who will look after them when school is closed for single days or half-term holidays?

• Who will explain the arrangements you've agreed upon to your children?

• Can either of you take the children away on holidays, in the UK or abroad?

• How will trips away and holidays be paid for?

• Have you talked to your children about how they'd like to celebrate 'special' days like birthdays, Christmas, Mother/Father’s day or other major religious holidays?

• What arrangements have you agreed about special days?

• Have you explained the arrangements you've agreed to your children and asked what they think about them?

Health

If your children live mostly with one of you, it's usually practical for that parent to arrange and take them to and from appointments but to keep the other parent informed. If your children have any long term health conditions such as asthma, make sure that both of you know the full details of any medication or treatment and what to do if your child's condition worsens.

Mishaps will happen from time to time and some may be when your children are with their other parent. Try to be understanding and remember that children having accidents is all part of growing up. Whatever the circumstances, it's important that the parent who is responsible for the children at the time of the accident contacts the other parent personally just as soon as they can and lets them know what's happened.

Things to Consider

• How will you ensure routine medical and dental appointments are kept?

• Have you told your children's GP practice about:

• the fact that you've separated?

• your children's new living arrangements, addresses etc.?

• the fact you both want to stay involved in their medical care?

• How will you share details of any medication they need?

• How will you agree to give consent to any treatments they need?

• How will you involve your children in decisions about their health?

Review of the Parenting Plan

Your Parenting Plan is made at a certain point in time. It's important though to adapt it to changing family circumstances and your children's changing needs and wishes. For example, the boundaries you set for your children will naturally alter as they grow up, like how late can they stay up or stay out, and will need to be discussed with your children and their other parent.

As you both move on, there may be new partners in your lives. It can help to talk now about how you'll handle introducing them to your children and to each other.

Some change can be planned for in advance, like the transition from primary to secondary school. Others can be unexpected, like changes in health status or bereavements.

It can be helpful to agree regular review points for your Parenting Plan and list some circumstances you'd automatically come together to review what you've agreed in your plan, for example if something is not working as you hoped it would.

Things to consider

• How and how often will you check with your children that they feel your Parenting Plan is working okay for them?

• At what points in the future will you agree to review the arrangements in your Plan? Monthly? Bi-annually? Every Year?

• How will you keep each other informed of upcoming changes that could affect your arrangements?

• What events do you agree will mean you should get in touch to review your Plan ( e.g. house moves, new partners, new schools, job changes, bereavements, major illnesses)?

• If one of you feels something in your Plan isn't working, how will you raise this with your child's other parent?

• What help will you call on to negotiate changes to your arrangements if you can't reach agreement yourselves?

Well that's it for now, till the next time...