Ready to tell the children about the split?

How To Tell The Children

You’re at that place where the decision is made and you are splitting up. And now to tell the children. This is often something that parents dread doing, they worry about how the children will react and they don’t want to upset them. On a side note, telling the children is also something that can make your separation feel all the more real for you, and that can often feel difficult as the reality steps in.

Explaining what’s happening to your children is never likely to be easy but if you pay some thought about how you’re going to do it, it can help you tell them in a way that helps your children feel supported.

Children need to know that whatever happens, they will be okay and the best way to send this message is for both of you to tell the children together. It’s important that they can see you’re on the same team. You won’t be together as parents but you’ll still be parenting together. If both parents can’t be there, or if it is felt that it would be handled badly if both parents are there, the parent who’s going to be around the most should tell the children.

Have a think through about what you’re going to tell the children and if you are telling them together, have a chat to make sure you’re coming from the same place on what you tell them.

Children can react in many ways to what you tell them. If there’s been a lot of fighting or conflict in the home, some children may actually feel relieved to know one parent is moving out of the family home. But it’s more common for children to feel upset or even guilty. However, they react, it’s important to listen to them and take their concerns seriously, whilst making it clear the split is not their fault, and that as parents, you will both continue to be there for them. It can help to tell your children in surroundings that are familiar to them, and for both parents to be around afterwards for a little while.

How you tell them will depend on your child’s age and development but there are some key common points.

General tips for telling the children:

·      Don’t have the talk when the children are hungry, tired or sitting waiting to go out somewhere.

·      Don’t give them more detail than they need about why you and the other parent are splitting up, ie information about affairs.

·      Do use language that your children will understand

·      Don’t go into long explanations

·      Reassure them that it’s okay to be upset. Use comforting words with them and cuddles. Let them know you both love them and the separation is not the child’s fault

·      Your children will want to know how their world will change. Think about what might be important to your children, for example, let them know, ‘daddy will pick you up from school but he won’t be here to put you to bed’, or that ‘mum will take you to football on Sunday but dad will pick you up after’.

·      If you don’t know the answer to their questions, let them know, but also that you’ll either find out or will let them know when you know yourself

·      Your children may ask you lots of questions or they might not. Let them know that you can talk again if they want to at a later time, and that they can ask any questions they want to

·      If one parent is leaving the home, tell the children when this will be, where they’ll be going, when the children will see them again, and how they can be contacted when they’re not around.

·      It’s okay to tell your children you feel sad but try not to get overly distressed in front of them. After all, they will be looking to you (and the other parent) for stability.

·      Let your children know that whatever they feel is okay.

·      Avoid speaking badly of the other parent, or placing blame even if you feel it’s justified. It could put the children off from talking to you about anything that is worrying them or on their mind, and lead them to emotionally withdraw.

Younger children

·      Younger children might not fully grasp what you are telling them, so aim to tell them ‘little but often’ so that they can absorb this over time.

·      Offer games, drawing or other activity for them to do during your chat, this can also help you manage the length of the conversation

·      They might not understand adult words such as ‘frustrated’ or ‘trust’ so try to use ‘child friendly’ words such as ‘scrunched up tummy feeling’ or ‘cuddly tummy feeling’.

Teenagers

Teenagers are likely to already be going through their own challenges, for example with hormones, potentially heavy demands at school, college etc, and friendships. They may or may not react as you expect them to when you share the news with them. Try not to be disheartened if it’s not a positive experience, they will still need to know you are there for them when they’re ready to talk, and you need to be prepared for when this happens.

Well that's it for now, till the next time....